IMG_0444It’s a story I’m not proud of but I had to go through this to become ME so I don’t regret it. I know this will resonate because in the past 7 days, two young ladies have expressed similar experiences. 

My heart goes out to them and anyone else who resonates with this story but know that it all works out REALLY GOOD if you are prepared to show up and do the work on mind/emotions! 


I was that big-boned girl, I was taller than everyone for awhile – a real standout (but not in that way…). I stood out and wished I didn’t. I felt big, always and for girls, the story always goes, short-petite-cute and for guys, the story always goes, tall-dark-handsome.

As I got older, the story changed slightly, I looked for new ways to validate my thoughts around being the bigger girl – it became my weight.

Comments from family members about my clothes or my chubbiness from boarding school stuck with me for a LONG time.

So even though the boys got taller – I still saw myself as big and unattractive.

I did what I could to feel small and embody the confidence/thin-ness of the girls at school and at uni who were gorgeous. Doing my best to be them and failing on every attempt because it WASN’T ME.

I remember drinking a lot and eating lots of crap when I went out and it felt SO GOOD. I could be myself, be that louder/funnier/more confident girl with no cares at all. It felt really good, I got to be me for a few hours and it was fun.

What I’ve later realised was that it wasn’t really me but there were parts that my mind begged to experience more of, like confidence, having fun and connecting with people. The rest of it, didn’t align with my values but it came part-and-partial with the job.

The moodiness and guilt that followed from a blackout or something dumb I said or did that hurt/offended or shamed was terrible but still never quite gave me a good enough reason to quit it. Why would I? I get to be a more confident version of me. It’s like that movie with the Fat Professor where he gets to be a more charming, confident, fun version of himself – at a price.

So my body got heavier, loaded with toxins but I continued to be the pub-girl who was fun, confident, playful and didn’t give a crap about how it impacted my life.

The pub-girl supported my theory about being the big-boned girl – as the weight continued to grow, the bones were getting bigger….

If I’m honest, there was no momentous occasion that marked the end of my binge drinking days and sometimes I do still go out and play but not nearly as dangerously and not to create a feeling of something I have now while I’m sober.

THE ONLY REASON I DRUNK SO MUCH WAS CONFIDENCE.

I was afraid. Afraid of:

  • feeling dumb because I said the wrong thing
  • awkward silences – running out of things to say (this was a biggie, I would drink so fast to fill the silence and still do sometimes… I found myself doing this over coffee with a new acquaintance – I downed the water and coffee so fast – HAHAHA)
  • being shut-down because someone disagreed with me (I wanted everyone to agree with me and there be no conflict whatsoever)
  • feeling embarrassed for doing something dumb (when you are drunk you feel removed from it)
  • people thinking I’m not cool so I would always sit on the fence and not have an opinion on anything – what if I lost a friend because my view wasn’t theirs?

 

But here’s what I know to be true now:

  • I have friends who love me for all my weird and wonderful quirks – and if they don’t, I let them go.
  • Where I want to have an opinion, I will. But I still don’t have an opinion on everything, just what I’m interested in. If people don’t like me or my opinion, again, I let them go. 
  • I still get to enjoy a drink! But the reasons are different, instead of chasing that confidence and playfulness – I’m doing it because I actually enjoy the taste and enjoy connecting with friends with a flushed face and plenty of giggles! 
  • I still get nervous sometimes of being put on the spot but I’ve got a plan for how to navigate it – usually resulting in a delay of some sort so I can regroup and pull myself together to either participate or not. Either way, its always my decision if I want to participate or not. I do try and say YES if it’s safe and realistic though because….
  • The more I step out of my comfort zone, the more confident I get! 
  • The hangovers suck! I want to make the most of my life and a day off, lying on the couch nursing a headache is such a waste. Now that I’m confident during the day-time, this pain is NOT WORTH IT! 
  • I am worth the best experience in my life, I’m not hear to fulfil other people’s dreams, expectations or rules. When I realised this, I didn’t need to rebel anymore because I was cut free from those restrictions. 

 

If you are still tracking with me, there’s two things I really want you to do.

  1. Get clear on WHY binge drinking or regular drinking is important
  2. Find the support you need to address your WHY
    • So if it is trauma or an excuse to escape? Please see a therapist or specialised group ASAP – it’s time to heal.
    • Or if it is to feel more confident? Then it’s time to get really clear on who you are, what your vision is for your life and start building the skill of confidence (because that is all it is, a skill). And if you struggle with finding out who you are, getting clear on your vision and building that confidence then find a coach, they will give you all the right support and track with you to help you become YOU when you are sober.

Chloe x


Ps. 2 more days left to sign-up for a complimentary call and find out more about the Embody Freedom masterclass! If you are looking to build your confidence, lose weight and feel free from food/drink then you’ll find all the details here – EMBODY FREEDOM MASTERCLASS

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